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Day 19-The Soundtrack to My Life!

Withholding Nothing by William McDowell

The song for today is Withholding Nothing by William McDowell. I have to say that when this song entered my life back in 2018 during the season when I arrived back home in Chicago, I was still a bit dazed and confused. I was still searching for answers. I needed to understand. I had answered God’s invitation to give Him my heart again but I felt as if nothing was shifting. It was like I was stuck in limbo. A few months had rolled by and I was still in agony. What was I withholding? What was keeping me stuck? Well, let me say that sometimes the truth can hurt and the sting of this one was necessary.

So the story goes a little like this…

I had failed. I failed at my attempt to do what I believed God called me to do. There was no one to blame but me. I made the decision to stay. This wasn’t some elaborate scheme of the enemy to hold me back. This was the direct result of a bad decision that was made with the right intention but with the wrong motive. I can write this in retrospect because I’ve since worked through this, but while I was in the nitty gritty midst of it, I was completely numb. 

I was numb to the fact that the brokenness I was experiencing was a work of my doing.

It’s not easy to admit you made the wrong call. It’s not easy to be loud and wrong! Not many would own up to that. Many would quietly fade into obscurity or play a very good hand of the blame game. And frankly, I was doing a bit of both. It was easy to blame the other parties involved. What they did was wrong on so many levels. But in the eyes of God, what I did was just as wrong if not more because I had gone and made myself an idol.

What this song did for me was expose that area in my life I was withholding from God. And for me, it was my need for affirmation from man. I didn’t know this was an issue I had until I was walking through this process. That need for affirmation was able to override the plans me and God had already made. That need was so strong that I was able to convince myself that I needed to go in a different direction. Though that direction in every way looked like it was the path God desired for me to take it wasn’t. I mean how could pursuing ministry not be of God, right? But He had to uncover what was in my heart–my motive. What was driving me other than His spirit? This was something I can’t say I ever considered before, but now it was quite apparent to me that it was something I had to pay very close attention to–what was in my heart.

His affirmation was all I ever needed and more! I didn’t need anyone else to co-sign on His plan for my life or what He was calling me to do. I didn’t know this hidden thing in my heart was ruling my decisions in life, especially when it came to BEing who He called me to be. 

I had to repent. I had to forgive myself. I had to forgive others. Most importantly, I had to learn what it truly meant to “walk in the spirit.” It’s one thing to say it matter of factly but a completely different thing to actually live it. This would be the beginning of me learning the difference between “doing” -vs- “being” and it was a lesson well learned! 

Well, that’s all I have for you today! Join me tomorrow for Day 20!!

Until next time…Be Blessed & Go Forth In Faith…Smooches 😘😘

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