Sometimes when I couldn’t find the words to say songs became my prayers. I’d just leave them on repeat and let them do the speaking for me as I sat in the presence of God. During this season, all I could do was just show up with this song, Breathe Into Me by Israel Houghton & New Breed on repeat and put my heart in His capable hands.
God was calling me to a higher level. But this higher level required deeper internal work. So began the journey into the deep recesses of my heart that I had long closed off and sealed up. And behind door number one was a little girl sitting in the window waiting for a love that would never come. This was where the lie “I was too broken to be loved” lived.
What I didn’t realize at the time is that that lie was rooted in my relationship with my estranged father and it all started when I was a little girl. I’ll never forget the day I found out that the only father I had known at the time wasn’t my real father. Up until that day, I thought I belonged to him. But I didn’t.
I remember getting all dressed up. My hair was freshly pressed. I had on a dress, tights, and even my little patent leather shoes. But I noticed no one else was getting dressed but me. Not my mom, the person I thought was my father, or even my siblings–just me. I was even sitting in the living room where only guests were allowed to sit, but my little 5-year-old mind and heart had no clue as to what was about to happen. I had no clue my life was about to change.
The doorbell rang and I heard footsteps coming up the stairs and an unfamiliar voice that was deep and loud. In walks a tall slim man who I had never seen before with a big blue piggy bank. As my mom, the person I thought was my father, and this man sat on the long sofa, I remember sitting in the armchair alone while my siblings were camped out in their rooms. The man I had grown up knowing as my father proceeded to tell me that he loved me and I would always be his daughter, but that the man sitting next to him was my real father.
I don’t remember much after that, other than saying something like “He’s not my daddy!” I took off running and hid myself in my older brother’s room as I cried and refused to come back out. I can’t even imagine what my 5-year-old mind was trying to figure out– the how, the why, the why now. But what I do know for sure is that became the first crack in my shattered identity and heart.
I would slowly get to know him as he made appearances here and there. But most of the time, I was left waiting. Waiting for the father who promised he would come but didn’t. I didn’t realize that void and instability in my life caused me to develop a pattern of unrequited love for not only my father but other men in my life. I was always the one waiting and looking for love that was never returned. I thought for sure something was deeply wrong with me. Why wouldn’t anyone love me? Why was I broken?
When the Lord brought all of this to the forefront and began to unravel all that was attached to just that one lie I was speechless. I had to walk through a season of forgiveness and healing. I had to release all of the anger, bitterness, and disappointment I had for not only my father but the other men in my life that I felt never loved me, abandoned me, or didn’t protect me.
The love of God carried me through the entire process. The freedom I experienced when that healing process was completed catapulted me to a whole new level spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and relationally. God had performed an amazing work in my life and heart! Now I was able to embrace that part of me with such gentleness and love. I was able to acknowledge and accept my truth. But most importantly, I was now able to allow God, my Heavenly Father, to flood that space with His love and make it all new…And this was only the beginning!
I want to encourage those who God is calling to come closer to Him, to accept that invitation. He wants you whole. He wants you complete in Him. He desires that your heart be healed. He wants to give you rest for your soul because you’ve been running for far too long. But you’re growing tired. You’re tired and a bit scared because you don’t know what will happen if you sit still long enough to let God have His way. My prayer for you today is that you’d surrender. He’s calling you and drawing you because you’re ready. He will not let you walk through this alone. He will not leave you comfortless. Allow the Holy Spirit to graciously walk you through the healing you need in your life today. He is waiting on you!
If you’re reading this and you don’t have a relationship with God but you’re thinking “I want that freedom,” Well, good news! Not only does that freedom await you but The Father has been patiently waiting for you. All you have to do is enter into a loving relationship with Him through His precious son, Jesus Christ and you can get started on that journey today!
PRAYER: Father, I come to you now, just as I am. I want to know you. I want to experience your love, joy, peace, and freedom in my life. I want to know who I am in you. I want to know the depths of your love for me. I surrender my heart and life to you today. Teach me your will. Teach your ways. I repent of my sins and I ask you to come into my heart and live your life through me. Today, I accept Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and Savior. I believe that He lived and died to pay the price for my sins and is seated at your right hand. Jesus, I ask you to come into my heart and life. From this day forward I belong to you. In Jesus’ name, I pray. Amen.
YAY!! Congrats and welcome to the family if you just recited that prayer. I’m excited about the amazing journey you’re about to embark on and would love to walk alongside you. Please email me at email@example.com or leave a comment below and share your story.
Well, that’s just another snippet of the amazing healing journey God brought me through. I look forward to sharing more with you as we continue with this challenge as well as when I release my forthcoming book.
Until next time…Be Blessed & Go Forth In Faith…Smooches 😘😘
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