Today’s song is You Know Me by Steffany Frizzell Gretzinger. I had a challenge writing this one because this season of my life had so many layers that I didn’t know where to start. I pray it’s a blessing to whoever needs it…but here it goes…
I needed this song like I needed air to breathe. It was a daily reminder to me that I was not only loved but seen. God knew me. The Creator of the heavens and earth, the Great I AM, the Sovereign One, knew me. He knew me, flaws and all, and still loved me. For someone who struggled with depression and anxiety, that was rooted in a lack of identity, this was everything my heart desperately longed for–to be seen and known.
It’s hard to articulate what it truly felt like back then to be surrounded by people but not feel seen or known. And I’m not talking about random people you don’t have any personal connection to. I’m talking about family and friends. To live your life day in and day out and no one even notices that you’re not there anymore. The person they see and interact with is merely an imposter. The real you is gone and has been for so long, you’ve started to forget she even existed. That was my life! And it was the life I lived until the day God invited me on a journey with Him to get to know me.
I believe God is truly intentional with each of our spiritual journeys. What I’ve discovered in my experience is that He only brought me to the place of healing and deliverance I was able to bear in any given season. He didn’t just throw me in the deep end of the pool and tell me to swim. Nor did He unleash everything on me at one time. No! He lovingly lead me with His abundance of grace, mercy, gentleness, and kindness through each and everything that concerned me and kept me away from Him and from myself.
I remember so vividly the day I was in my bathroom doing my hair and He spoke to me and said, “You don’t love yourself.” My immediate response was, “Of course, I do!” And then suddenly, this deep swell of emotion, like a tsunami, overwhelmed me and I was flooded with tears. I didn’t love myself. Though I would have proudly stuck out my chest and proclaimed to everyone that “I loved me some me,” In reality, I didn’t.
How could I love the person I buried? How could I love someone I didn’t even know? Who I thought I was and who I thought I knew, was an imposter. This version of me was just an avatar. It was just a made-up version to exist in the world while the real me was fighting for her life. I could feel her sometimes trying to climb up to the surface when I walked into a bookstore or saw someone giving an amazing speech on a panel, or saw a loving couple holding hands down the street. But as sure as I could feel her tugs at my heart, I could also feel her descent back down to the dark pit as she was being pulled down by the lies. The lies that told her she could never author books, could never speak and inspire others, could never have love. The lie that told her her life wasn’t worth living.
It was a rude awakening. I realized that I had lived the vast majority of my life as an imposter. It made the words “I want you to live,” my mom whispered to me weeks before she died make sense. I wasn’t living. I was merely existing and I didn’t even know it.
The imposter version of me despised my imperfections so she kept me guarded and hidden. The imposter version of me said I was too broken to be loved so she kept me far from relationships. The imposter version of me believed that my past mistakes defined me so she kept me in a cycle of self-sabotage. The imposter version of me couldn’t see a future so she was constantly searching for a way out.
But God…But God! He so graciously walked me through every single lie I believed and utterly destroyed them with the truth of His Word. He took me from faith to faith and from glory to glory. He lead me on the path of righteousness and introduced me to the real me– The me that’s in Him!
This season for me was one of deep internal work that couldn’t have been possible without the amazing unconditional, unfailing, neverending love of God and a firm foundation of knowing Him. Without that foundation, I would’ve certainly fallen apart as I traveled down those dark lonely roads to find the pieces of myself that had been abandoned.
I give all praise and glory to God today because I’m free! I’m free to be who He made me to BE and who He called me to BE.
Regardless of where you may find yourself on your spiritual journey or in life, my prayer for you today is simple…That the God of love, who is Love, would encounter you in such a way that you will know without a shadow of a doubt that you are not only loved by Him but seen and known.
Well, that’s just a snippet of the beginning of that journey. I look forward to sharing more with you as we continue with this challenge as well as when I release my forthcoming book.
Until next time…Be Blessed & Go Forth In Faith…Smooches 😘😘